"And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven." -Matthew 18:3

Hi there.  So, today I want to discuss the statement above made by Jesus, recorded in the gospel of Matthew.  It's a piece of scripture that you've probably heard before from time to time.  If you're anything like me, you've probably read it, tried to absorb it, but then not actually think about it that much.  Right now I'm writing to figure and it out myself on a more in-depth level.  So, let's begin. What exactly does He mean by, "become as little children"?  Sometimes when God makes statements like this, we read it and misinterpret it as some sort of threat. God is not threatening us when He says, "Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.". First of all, I think it should be stated that when we are truly converted by the Holy Spirit, we do become like little children.  Let's think of some basic characteristics of any children we may know.
(Discussion here)
Here are some of the traits I could come up with.  One, children are sometimes extremely hard on themselves when faced with the realization that they did something wrong and disappointed someone whom they care about and rely on.  Two, children also have a tendency to drop everything they are doing- and simply not care about the rest of the world- when they have their eyes on something they are fascinated by.  Sometimes this can merely be an ice cream cone, but at other times it can be really quite beautiful.  Three, children are very stubborn about what they believe in.  Anyone who has witnessed a tantrum can testify to this.  So, let's take these three traits and exemplify them in a made-up scenario.
Ben is eight years old.  He lives in a safe neighborhood far away from any urban setting.  His family decides to take a trip to Chicago for his father's business.  While Ben is in Chicago, his parents buy him a new scarf and gloves, as it was colder there than they expected.  On the streets the three of them pass a homeless man sitting outside against a building.  The man is wearing a thin looking jacket and has an empty soup can in his hand. Living in a wealthy neighborhood, Ben has never seen homelessness like this before.  He asks his parents if they can give the man something and they tell him no and not to make eye contact.  Ben doesn't understand why they can't even look at the man, and, suddenly annoyed with his parents, he turns around and runs towards the building where the man was.  His parents, frightened that their child is no longer at their side in a large city, come chasing after him while calling out his name.  Ben ignores them and runs faster, reaching the man first.  Quickly, he checks all his pockets and finds nothing acceptable to give him besides a half eaten candy bar and three pennies.  Before his parents can reach him, he rips off his new scarf and gloves and tosses them to the man.  Before the man can even say thank you, Ben has turned around and met up with his parents.  He was afraid that they would try to take the stuff back from him, and he didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
Now, let's examine this story. First, what childlike things did Ben do that you think God appreciates?
(Discuss)
Second, in terms of faith and sprirituality, why do you think it is better to be more like a child than an adult?
(Discuss)
Why do you think it more difficult to become like a child than like an adult?
(Discuss)
Ben was not afraid of his parents' criticism when he decided to leave their side to give to the homeless man. He also refused praise from the man and, "didn't want to make a big deal out of it".  This reminds me of a section from Matthew, chapter 6.
"But when you do alms, let not your left hand know what your right hand does: so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." -Matthew 6:3-4

(Discuss)

Lastly, children love blindly.  Ben saw directly through the homeless man's rugged appearance and straight to his situation.  He did not wait to take action, but acted in the moment while he still could. What are some ways Jesus could use these same characteristics and behaviors in us, teenagers and adults?

(Discuss)

No Boyfriend

So, since my last post, that guy and I have broken up.  I had forgotten that the name of my previous post was "Boyfriend..." so when I saw it 30 seconds ago I thought it was kind of funny.  We broke up about two weeks ago.  As we all know, it had been coming for a while.  It was actually to the point where being his girlfriend was actually a serious burden for me.  However, we broke up on the basis that he didn't like me anymore.  This might sound a little pitiful (for me) but I believe the breakup was actually easier this way.  For one thing, I didn't have the heart to stand there and list off all the reasons I didn't want to be with him anymore.  At the time I still cherished him as a person and didn't want to hurt him, which is one of the biggest reasons it took me so long to get to the breakup to begin with.  On the day it happened, I woke up feeling like it had to happen.  Picture the scene:  He came over, just to hang out with me.  At first we went to the kitchen and he ate, and I was obviously exhausted. This I wasn't faking, I really was exhausted; but also horribly nervous, because I didn't know if we were going to break up that day or not (I didn't have a set plan). The combination made me quiet, and he kept asking if I was okay.  I said I was just tired and not feeling good; stomach problems.  Something else that was also true at the time; looking back on it, I think the reason my stomach hurt was stress.  Any who, we proceeded to the living room, where we cuddled and watched tv.  I was clearly tense, and every few minutes he'd ask if I was okay.  An episode of friends came on.  Guess which one it was?  The one where Chandler and Phoebe decide to break up with their respective girlfriends/ boyfriends, together. It was torture watching through the entire thing.  He had to leave afterwards to go over to his grandfather's house and fix his printer. Before we left the living room, I told him I noticed that he didn't love me anymore and I didn't know why.  He kept saying, "I have my reasons".  This hurt a lot.  He was digging for a way to tell me why he didn't love me anymore.  On what planet would I want to know that?  And we hadn't broken up yet.  Why would he say that? Anyway, I walked him outside, and then we broke up.  He kept trying to change the subject away from what I was trying to talk about. Finally it came down to this:
Me: You don't like me anymore.
Him: Shakes head.
Him: I like you as a person-
Me: Just not to date me.
At this point I actually started crying, and I didn't mean to.  He apologized a few times and we hugged, at which point I said, "Just still be my friend.  Okay?" And he said, "Best friends".  And that felt pretty good at the time, because it felt right.  Now it's been about two weeks, and we aren't acting like friends. I've hardly talked to him; the last time was a week ago today, and he actually was kind of cross with me. What he needs more than anything is Jesus.  God will teach him how to be a real man, and then someday he can actually make a girl happy.  Until that happens (his salvation), I don't think he's ever going to be happy.  I do want him to be happy. I really hope our relationship improves, just as a friendship.  It's been hard without him in my life.   After all, I'm the one who exited the relationship with hurt feelings.
God has really gotten me through this rough spot the past few weeks. When the breakup happened, He was my backbone, and He has been since.  The Holy Spirit is my best friend.  I am glad that the God who controls crazy Michigan thunderstorms like the one that happened today, also controls my future.  I just need to stop trying to plan things for myself and be still, and know that He is God (reference Psalm 46:10).
For now, the romance is all said and done I suppose.  I admittedly need to put more time into my passions, and that will get my mind off of things.  Baking, painting, friends (real people, and the show,) home renovations, and most importantly, GOD, here I come!

Boyfriend...

Sometimes my boyfriend is just so stressful to be with.  And at all comes down to the same problem, he's selfish.  He isn't willing to wait for things, he hardly ever makes me feel good about myself anymore, and he only seems to be happy nowadays after I give him something he wants.  I don't know what to do about it.  Actually, that's a lie, I do know.  I'm just dreading it.  Underneath all the hardships of our relationship, he's my best friend and it's going to be difficult to lose him.  Once we break up I don't think it would be possible to be friends, or at least not close ones.
I know, reading this over, it would make sense for us to try to talk things out first.  But I've tried so many times, and he continues to revert back to his old ways.  And, like I've explained in a previous post, it's still hurtful that he doesn't say, "I love you", anymore.  I cannot just force someone into doing that, no matter how much we try to "talk it through".  I don't want to be done with him, because it hurt so much the first time.  But I can't do this for much longer.  For myself, I have to put a halt to all the misuse of my feelings.  My heart deserves a break.
Also, God deserves more of my attention.  I don't think my current boyfriend is my soul mate, so why bother?  Besides the reasons stated above and how much it's going to hurt when we split.  I can't keep compromising my beliefs for this guy when he won't compromise his own for me.  And really, I haven't actually been compromising.  Just arguing and apologizing and making up, then repeat.  I just can't do it anymore.  I have to believe that God has someone better for me.  I have to.

Nostalgiac, Hopeful, and then PO'd

I miss my old best friend.  We don't talk or even look at each anymore, and lately I've been feeling especially lonely without her.  Don't get me wrong, there are good reasons for why I am not affiliated with her anymore, and she certainly was not a good friend, anyway.  But I guess we just had a strong bond after knowing each other for about thirteen years, and one day it just ended.  It was for the better, most definitely.  She held me down and made me a worse person, and we both were pretty much already done with each other when the time came to part our separate ways.  I know that God has waiting for me another best friend that I will be closer with and a better influence, also.
I guess this has all been coming out lately because I'm about to graduate (my last day of high school was yesterday, actually), and I've already lost almost all my best friends this year.  I also don't even know if my boyfriend wants to be with me anymore.  That's a whole other painful story.  He used to tell me he loves me, and now he doesn't.
He used to text me in the middle of the night how much he loves me, so when I woke up in the morning I would check my phone and see a handful of really beautiful messages to start my day.  Now, he only texts me in the middle of the night if he's angry and he wants to say nasty things to me without having to deal with my responses.  It's a total turn around.  He knows I love him and I just don't know if he loves me too anymore, and it's tearing me apart.  And when I try talking to him about it, he gets super defensive and finds a way to turn it around and make it seem like my fault. I want him to love me, but if he's never going to, I don't want to stay with him and keep getting it hurt.  Which is easier said than done, because right now, he kind of is my best friend, and I would have to lose him, too.
God is the only one that cares about me.  Jesus died for me on the cross so He could be with me.  My boyfriend?  He got me marshmallows on our one year anniversary and got defensive when I was upset.

At least my dog looks forward to me.

Chaos

All around me
I can see chaos
swirling.
Echoing off of walls
covered in photographs and poems,
lovely words
being torn off by gusts
of harsh, empty air,
smacked to the ground.
Above me is no roof,
no ceiling.
I can see the entire night sky
all from my tiny dot of existence,
and there is a stillness,
so fresh and so close,
but untouchable.

High School

I graduate from high school in less than a month. This is so exciting, but for some reason, I am not that genuinely enthused- yet.  It's actually more bitter than it is sweet right now.  I don't feel like I am leaving behind that many friends- my "closest" friends I already barely talk to outside of school to begin with, and I don't really feel like I'm one with the group anymore.  So I doubt I'll still be friends with them by the start of college.  They're just a really tight clique, and this year I noticed it, and I am just not into that kind of dynamic anymore.  From the outside they look so mean, and I don't want a part of that.
Other things are going into shambles as well.  I finally got a real job working at an ice cream store that hasn't opened yet.  They gave me one out of two days of training and paid me for it, and then decided they won't use me until summer when business picks up for them.  Which I am annoyed by, because the only reason it's happening is because I'm younger than some of the other employees, and I wanted hours ASAP.
I just really need a place to rant.  Like I said, I don't really have friends.  And not in the whiney, fake, middle school girl way of saying it- when she actually just wants a bunch of people to jump and say they're her friends.  I actually don't any.
Besides my boyfriend, whom my anniversary is with on Monday (one week).  Unfortunately I don't even know if our relationship will last until then.  I can feel him getting sick of me.
I must be pretty nasty if all these people can't stand me.