Nostalgiac, Hopeful, and then PO'd

I miss my old best friend.  We don't talk or even look at each anymore, and lately I've been feeling especially lonely without her.  Don't get me wrong, there are good reasons for why I am not affiliated with her anymore, and she certainly was not a good friend, anyway.  But I guess we just had a strong bond after knowing each other for about thirteen years, and one day it just ended.  It was for the better, most definitely.  She held me down and made me a worse person, and we both were pretty much already done with each other when the time came to part our separate ways.  I know that God has waiting for me another best friend that I will be closer with and a better influence, also.
I guess this has all been coming out lately because I'm about to graduate (my last day of high school was yesterday, actually), and I've already lost almost all my best friends this year.  I also don't even know if my boyfriend wants to be with me anymore.  That's a whole other painful story.  He used to tell me he loves me, and now he doesn't.
He used to text me in the middle of the night how much he loves me, so when I woke up in the morning I would check my phone and see a handful of really beautiful messages to start my day.  Now, he only texts me in the middle of the night if he's angry and he wants to say nasty things to me without having to deal with my responses.  It's a total turn around.  He knows I love him and I just don't know if he loves me too anymore, and it's tearing me apart.  And when I try talking to him about it, he gets super defensive and finds a way to turn it around and make it seem like my fault. I want him to love me, but if he's never going to, I don't want to stay with him and keep getting it hurt.  Which is easier said than done, because right now, he kind of is my best friend, and I would have to lose him, too.
God is the only one that cares about me.  Jesus died for me on the cross so He could be with me.  My boyfriend?  He got me marshmallows on our one year anniversary and got defensive when I was upset.

At least my dog looks forward to me.

Chaos

All around me
I can see chaos
swirling.
Echoing off of walls
covered in photographs and poems,
lovely words
being torn off by gusts
of harsh, empty air,
smacked to the ground.
Above me is no roof,
no ceiling.
I can see the entire night sky
all from my tiny dot of existence,
and there is a stillness,
so fresh and so close,
but untouchable.

High School

I graduate from high school in less than a month. This is so exciting, but for some reason, I am not that genuinely enthused- yet.  It's actually more bitter than it is sweet right now.  I don't feel like I am leaving behind that many friends- my "closest" friends I already barely talk to outside of school to begin with, and I don't really feel like I'm one with the group anymore.  So I doubt I'll still be friends with them by the start of college.  They're just a really tight clique, and this year I noticed it, and I am just not into that kind of dynamic anymore.  From the outside they look so mean, and I don't want a part of that.
Other things are going into shambles as well.  I finally got a real job working at an ice cream store that hasn't opened yet.  They gave me one out of two days of training and paid me for it, and then decided they won't use me until summer when business picks up for them.  Which I am annoyed by, because the only reason it's happening is because I'm younger than some of the other employees, and I wanted hours ASAP.
I just really need a place to rant.  Like I said, I don't really have friends.  And not in the whiney, fake, middle school girl way of saying it- when she actually just wants a bunch of people to jump and say they're her friends.  I actually don't any.
Besides my boyfriend, whom my anniversary is with on Monday (one week).  Unfortunately I don't even know if our relationship will last until then.  I can feel him getting sick of me.
I must be pretty nasty if all these people can't stand me.

I am saved from eternal Hell because Jesus died on the cross for me.  He was the only sacrifice perfect enough to cover my lifetime's collection of sins and save me to be in Heaven with Him.  It worked and I am saved.  Of course it worked.  Jesus is God in the flesh.

Outer Space

I am afraid of outer space.  It's just so huge and it legitimately scares me to look up at the sky when it's dark on a clear night and you can see all the stars.  It used to be a comfort, but now it's frightening.  And I think I just figured out why.  Rather, God revealed it to me.
Every day, we encounter things that God and only God could have created.  The grass, sunshine, our very own skin cells (yes, biologically our parents made us, but who made the parts necessary to make us to begin with?).  But those things, a lot of the time, our hidden by man made things, and in a sense it can- not lessen- but distract us from God's glory in His creation with those things. So looking at the grass, covered in potted plants, lawn ornaments, people, etc., doesn't take my breath away usually.
But we look up at the sky and see nothing but universe, totally uninterrupted by man made things, except for the occasional minuscule plane.  It makes an airplane look minuscule.  Let that sink in for a second.
So I look up, and there is no distraction, no way to ease myself into it, just the complete vastness of what God can and did do. He made it, He is bigger than the huge sky and He will always be that way.  Sometimes this frightens me, too, but I don't know what I have to be afraid of.  God has loved me right from the start.  And I know I am His, even though I am a hypocrite and don't always act like it.  And now the sky feels comforting, because the One who holds my life in His hands is great enough that He made the sky.

Prom

I'm a bit done caring about prom.  At least about how I look for it, anyway.  It's just tiring, and I know that the harder I try, likely the less attractive I will actually come out looking.  I really, strongly hope my boyfriend has a good time, because the prom group we're going in, he has few to no friends in.  And if he doesn't have a good time, I definitely won't have a good time.  I just hope he's happy because prom is supposed to be a good night for both of us.  And I hope my friends act nicely and, really, I just want it to be decent.  It doesn't have to be perfect or the best time of my life, just decent.  I've had several other great memories from high school and I don't feel the pressure (for some reason) to make prom one of them.  I guess I'm just over it.
Anywho, maybe I'll post pictures? :).  It's next weekend, so whoever reads this will have to wait about a week and a half.  I wonder if other people's proms actually were the epitome of their high school careers.  That's great if it was and all, but wouldn't that also be sad for them, too?

Unsettled

I guess I feel a little defeated today.  There is a unique kind of loneliness someone feels when they're with people they love but they have no feeling of real connection to them.  I think Robin Williams has a famous quote, "I used to think that the worst thing that could happen to me would be to end up all alone.  Now I know that the worst thing is to end up with people that make you feel all alone".  Or something like that, and I totally know what he means.  Basically, my close friends group just doesn't invite me to things anymore, and when I am with them I'm still like an outsider.  I don't really know what happened because that is new to this year, but it's okay.  Some of them weren't even great friends to me to begin with.  The painful part is seeing my old best friend replace me with a girl who is a straight up bully to people.  It makes me feel like I'm below this new girl somehow because my friend chose her over me.  It's just... unsettling.

Ants

They're all shouting

Yelling

Screaming

"Give us our rights!"

"We deserve equality!"

The sun is beaming hot

Straight on their angry bodies

Beads of sweat trail down scrunched up faces

Past designer sunglasses

Finding rest on ears that do not listen

Signs bob up and down 

Across the waves of people

Buoys in an ocean of politics

Some find rest in shade

Others do not notice their own sweat

This is a war

Fought over who owns the most

And who can do the most legally

If you look into the distance

The far background

There are ants

Thousands of them

Scattered everywhere 

With no particular ant hill

They have no voices

Nor a representative

They own no signs

They have no interest in buoys

They are hungry

Who is there that leaves crumbs for an ant?

No one

They are cold

Who provides shelter for an ant?

Who gives an ant clothes?

An ant is an infestation

Bringing disease

Bad fortune

And condescending looks

With it

All of them

Are to be ignored

But they see things

They were there at the capital

They were there when

Ideas blossomed

People perished

In windstorms too great for

An ocean to resist

They saw people

Men 

Enter and leave offices

Carry important leather with important documents

Drive important cars

Eat important food

To nourish an important body

They look on hungrily

Drooling

Lust emanating from their eyes

Illuminating the entire scene

Filtering the world to look prettier

To care more

But the world does care

It is sitting on a hill

In an ocean

Lobbying for more

More

More

Of everything

While the ants are hungry

They cannot even lobby for themselves

For to do that

They must have a voice

To begin with

While rights are passed out to loud screamers

Free food samples

To please the potential customer

Silencing them for temporary peace

They were never hungry to begin with

The real hungry wander

Silent

Searching for an ant hill

With none to go to the Big Ant Hill

For them

Protesters leave pleased

Not happy

Content

"We will earn more tomorrow"

They say

"We deserve it"

They convince

Walking past

And stepping on

Ants