"And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven." -Matthew 18:3

Hi there.  So, today I want to discuss the statement above made by Jesus, recorded in the gospel of Matthew.  It's a piece of scripture that you've probably heard before from time to time.  If you're anything like me, you've probably read it, tried to absorb it, but then not actually think about it that much.  Right now I'm writing to figure and it out myself on a more in-depth level.  So, let's begin. What exactly does He mean by, "become as little children"?  Sometimes when God makes statements like this, we read it and misinterpret it as some sort of threat. God is not threatening us when He says, "Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.". First of all, I think it should be stated that when we are truly converted by the Holy Spirit, we do become like little children.  Let's think of some basic characteristics of any children we may know.
(Discussion here)
Here are some of the traits I could come up with.  One, children are sometimes extremely hard on themselves when faced with the realization that they did something wrong and disappointed someone whom they care about and rely on.  Two, children also have a tendency to drop everything they are doing- and simply not care about the rest of the world- when they have their eyes on something they are fascinated by.  Sometimes this can merely be an ice cream cone, but at other times it can be really quite beautiful.  Three, children are very stubborn about what they believe in.  Anyone who has witnessed a tantrum can testify to this.  So, let's take these three traits and exemplify them in a made-up scenario.
Ben is eight years old.  He lives in a safe neighborhood far away from any urban setting.  His family decides to take a trip to Chicago for his father's business.  While Ben is in Chicago, his parents buy him a new scarf and gloves, as it was colder there than they expected.  On the streets the three of them pass a homeless man sitting outside against a building.  The man is wearing a thin looking jacket and has an empty soup can in his hand. Living in a wealthy neighborhood, Ben has never seen homelessness like this before.  He asks his parents if they can give the man something and they tell him no and not to make eye contact.  Ben doesn't understand why they can't even look at the man, and, suddenly annoyed with his parents, he turns around and runs towards the building where the man was.  His parents, frightened that their child is no longer at their side in a large city, come chasing after him while calling out his name.  Ben ignores them and runs faster, reaching the man first.  Quickly, he checks all his pockets and finds nothing acceptable to give him besides a half eaten candy bar and three pennies.  Before his parents can reach him, he rips off his new scarf and gloves and tosses them to the man.  Before the man can even say thank you, Ben has turned around and met up with his parents.  He was afraid that they would try to take the stuff back from him, and he didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
Now, let's examine this story. First, what childlike things did Ben do that you think God appreciates?
(Discuss)
Second, in terms of faith and sprirituality, why do you think it is better to be more like a child than an adult?
(Discuss)
Why do you think it more difficult to become like a child than like an adult?
(Discuss)
Ben was not afraid of his parents' criticism when he decided to leave their side to give to the homeless man. He also refused praise from the man and, "didn't want to make a big deal out of it".  This reminds me of a section from Matthew, chapter 6.
"But when you do alms, let not your left hand know what your right hand does: so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." -Matthew 6:3-4

(Discuss)

Lastly, children love blindly.  Ben saw directly through the homeless man's rugged appearance and straight to his situation.  He did not wait to take action, but acted in the moment while he still could. What are some ways Jesus could use these same characteristics and behaviors in us, teenagers and adults?

(Discuss)

No Boyfriend

So, since my last post, that guy and I have broken up.  I had forgotten that the name of my previous post was "Boyfriend..." so when I saw it 30 seconds ago I thought it was kind of funny.  We broke up about two weeks ago.  As we all know, it had been coming for a while.  It was actually to the point where being his girlfriend was actually a serious burden for me.  However, we broke up on the basis that he didn't like me anymore.  This might sound a little pitiful (for me) but I believe the breakup was actually easier this way.  For one thing, I didn't have the heart to stand there and list off all the reasons I didn't want to be with him anymore.  At the time I still cherished him as a person and didn't want to hurt him, which is one of the biggest reasons it took me so long to get to the breakup to begin with.  On the day it happened, I woke up feeling like it had to happen.  Picture the scene:  He came over, just to hang out with me.  At first we went to the kitchen and he ate, and I was obviously exhausted. This I wasn't faking, I really was exhausted; but also horribly nervous, because I didn't know if we were going to break up that day or not (I didn't have a set plan). The combination made me quiet, and he kept asking if I was okay.  I said I was just tired and not feeling good; stomach problems.  Something else that was also true at the time; looking back on it, I think the reason my stomach hurt was stress.  Any who, we proceeded to the living room, where we cuddled and watched tv.  I was clearly tense, and every few minutes he'd ask if I was okay.  An episode of friends came on.  Guess which one it was?  The one where Chandler and Phoebe decide to break up with their respective girlfriends/ boyfriends, together. It was torture watching through the entire thing.  He had to leave afterwards to go over to his grandfather's house and fix his printer. Before we left the living room, I told him I noticed that he didn't love me anymore and I didn't know why.  He kept saying, "I have my reasons".  This hurt a lot.  He was digging for a way to tell me why he didn't love me anymore.  On what planet would I want to know that?  And we hadn't broken up yet.  Why would he say that? Anyway, I walked him outside, and then we broke up.  He kept trying to change the subject away from what I was trying to talk about. Finally it came down to this:
Me: You don't like me anymore.
Him: Shakes head.
Him: I like you as a person-
Me: Just not to date me.
At this point I actually started crying, and I didn't mean to.  He apologized a few times and we hugged, at which point I said, "Just still be my friend.  Okay?" And he said, "Best friends".  And that felt pretty good at the time, because it felt right.  Now it's been about two weeks, and we aren't acting like friends. I've hardly talked to him; the last time was a week ago today, and he actually was kind of cross with me. What he needs more than anything is Jesus.  God will teach him how to be a real man, and then someday he can actually make a girl happy.  Until that happens (his salvation), I don't think he's ever going to be happy.  I do want him to be happy. I really hope our relationship improves, just as a friendship.  It's been hard without him in my life.   After all, I'm the one who exited the relationship with hurt feelings.
God has really gotten me through this rough spot the past few weeks. When the breakup happened, He was my backbone, and He has been since.  The Holy Spirit is my best friend.  I am glad that the God who controls crazy Michigan thunderstorms like the one that happened today, also controls my future.  I just need to stop trying to plan things for myself and be still, and know that He is God (reference Psalm 46:10).
For now, the romance is all said and done I suppose.  I admittedly need to put more time into my passions, and that will get my mind off of things.  Baking, painting, friends (real people, and the show,) home renovations, and most importantly, GOD, here I come!

Boyfriend...

Sometimes my boyfriend is just so stressful to be with.  And at all comes down to the same problem, he's selfish.  He isn't willing to wait for things, he hardly ever makes me feel good about myself anymore, and he only seems to be happy nowadays after I give him something he wants.  I don't know what to do about it.  Actually, that's a lie, I do know.  I'm just dreading it.  Underneath all the hardships of our relationship, he's my best friend and it's going to be difficult to lose him.  Once we break up I don't think it would be possible to be friends, or at least not close ones.
I know, reading this over, it would make sense for us to try to talk things out first.  But I've tried so many times, and he continues to revert back to his old ways.  And, like I've explained in a previous post, it's still hurtful that he doesn't say, "I love you", anymore.  I cannot just force someone into doing that, no matter how much we try to "talk it through".  I don't want to be done with him, because it hurt so much the first time.  But I can't do this for much longer.  For myself, I have to put a halt to all the misuse of my feelings.  My heart deserves a break.
Also, God deserves more of my attention.  I don't think my current boyfriend is my soul mate, so why bother?  Besides the reasons stated above and how much it's going to hurt when we split.  I can't keep compromising my beliefs for this guy when he won't compromise his own for me.  And really, I haven't actually been compromising.  Just arguing and apologizing and making up, then repeat.  I just can't do it anymore.  I have to believe that God has someone better for me.  I have to.

Nostalgiac, Hopeful, and then PO'd

I miss my old best friend.  We don't talk or even look at each anymore, and lately I've been feeling especially lonely without her.  Don't get me wrong, there are good reasons for why I am not affiliated with her anymore, and she certainly was not a good friend, anyway.  But I guess we just had a strong bond after knowing each other for about thirteen years, and one day it just ended.  It was for the better, most definitely.  She held me down and made me a worse person, and we both were pretty much already done with each other when the time came to part our separate ways.  I know that God has waiting for me another best friend that I will be closer with and a better influence, also.
I guess this has all been coming out lately because I'm about to graduate (my last day of high school was yesterday, actually), and I've already lost almost all my best friends this year.  I also don't even know if my boyfriend wants to be with me anymore.  That's a whole other painful story.  He used to tell me he loves me, and now he doesn't.
He used to text me in the middle of the night how much he loves me, so when I woke up in the morning I would check my phone and see a handful of really beautiful messages to start my day.  Now, he only texts me in the middle of the night if he's angry and he wants to say nasty things to me without having to deal with my responses.  It's a total turn around.  He knows I love him and I just don't know if he loves me too anymore, and it's tearing me apart.  And when I try talking to him about it, he gets super defensive and finds a way to turn it around and make it seem like my fault. I want him to love me, but if he's never going to, I don't want to stay with him and keep getting it hurt.  Which is easier said than done, because right now, he kind of is my best friend, and I would have to lose him, too.
God is the only one that cares about me.  Jesus died for me on the cross so He could be with me.  My boyfriend?  He got me marshmallows on our one year anniversary and got defensive when I was upset.

At least my dog looks forward to me.

Chaos

All around me
I can see chaos
swirling.
Echoing off of walls
covered in photographs and poems,
lovely words
being torn off by gusts
of harsh, empty air,
smacked to the ground.
Above me is no roof,
no ceiling.
I can see the entire night sky
all from my tiny dot of existence,
and there is a stillness,
so fresh and so close,
but untouchable.

High School

I graduate from high school in less than a month. This is so exciting, but for some reason, I am not that genuinely enthused- yet.  It's actually more bitter than it is sweet right now.  I don't feel like I am leaving behind that many friends- my "closest" friends I already barely talk to outside of school to begin with, and I don't really feel like I'm one with the group anymore.  So I doubt I'll still be friends with them by the start of college.  They're just a really tight clique, and this year I noticed it, and I am just not into that kind of dynamic anymore.  From the outside they look so mean, and I don't want a part of that.
Other things are going into shambles as well.  I finally got a real job working at an ice cream store that hasn't opened yet.  They gave me one out of two days of training and paid me for it, and then decided they won't use me until summer when business picks up for them.  Which I am annoyed by, because the only reason it's happening is because I'm younger than some of the other employees, and I wanted hours ASAP.
I just really need a place to rant.  Like I said, I don't really have friends.  And not in the whiney, fake, middle school girl way of saying it- when she actually just wants a bunch of people to jump and say they're her friends.  I actually don't any.
Besides my boyfriend, whom my anniversary is with on Monday (one week).  Unfortunately I don't even know if our relationship will last until then.  I can feel him getting sick of me.
I must be pretty nasty if all these people can't stand me.

I am saved from eternal Hell because Jesus died on the cross for me.  He was the only sacrifice perfect enough to cover my lifetime's collection of sins and save me to be in Heaven with Him.  It worked and I am saved.  Of course it worked.  Jesus is God in the flesh.

Outer Space

I am afraid of outer space.  It's just so huge and it legitimately scares me to look up at the sky when it's dark on a clear night and you can see all the stars.  It used to be a comfort, but now it's frightening.  And I think I just figured out why.  Rather, God revealed it to me.
Every day, we encounter things that God and only God could have created.  The grass, sunshine, our very own skin cells (yes, biologically our parents made us, but who made the parts necessary to make us to begin with?).  But those things, a lot of the time, our hidden by man made things, and in a sense it can- not lessen- but distract us from God's glory in His creation with those things. So looking at the grass, covered in potted plants, lawn ornaments, people, etc., doesn't take my breath away usually.
But we look up at the sky and see nothing but universe, totally uninterrupted by man made things, except for the occasional minuscule plane.  It makes an airplane look minuscule.  Let that sink in for a second.
So I look up, and there is no distraction, no way to ease myself into it, just the complete vastness of what God can and did do. He made it, He is bigger than the huge sky and He will always be that way.  Sometimes this frightens me, too, but I don't know what I have to be afraid of.  God has loved me right from the start.  And I know I am His, even though I am a hypocrite and don't always act like it.  And now the sky feels comforting, because the One who holds my life in His hands is great enough that He made the sky.

Prom

I'm a bit done caring about prom.  At least about how I look for it, anyway.  It's just tiring, and I know that the harder I try, likely the less attractive I will actually come out looking.  I really, strongly hope my boyfriend has a good time, because the prom group we're going in, he has few to no friends in.  And if he doesn't have a good time, I definitely won't have a good time.  I just hope he's happy because prom is supposed to be a good night for both of us.  And I hope my friends act nicely and, really, I just want it to be decent.  It doesn't have to be perfect or the best time of my life, just decent.  I've had several other great memories from high school and I don't feel the pressure (for some reason) to make prom one of them.  I guess I'm just over it.
Anywho, maybe I'll post pictures? :).  It's next weekend, so whoever reads this will have to wait about a week and a half.  I wonder if other people's proms actually were the epitome of their high school careers.  That's great if it was and all, but wouldn't that also be sad for them, too?

Unsettled

I guess I feel a little defeated today.  There is a unique kind of loneliness someone feels when they're with people they love but they have no feeling of real connection to them.  I think Robin Williams has a famous quote, "I used to think that the worst thing that could happen to me would be to end up all alone.  Now I know that the worst thing is to end up with people that make you feel all alone".  Or something like that, and I totally know what he means.  Basically, my close friends group just doesn't invite me to things anymore, and when I am with them I'm still like an outsider.  I don't really know what happened because that is new to this year, but it's okay.  Some of them weren't even great friends to me to begin with.  The painful part is seeing my old best friend replace me with a girl who is a straight up bully to people.  It makes me feel like I'm below this new girl somehow because my friend chose her over me.  It's just... unsettling.

Ants

They're all shouting

Yelling

Screaming

"Give us our rights!"

"We deserve equality!"

The sun is beaming hot

Straight on their angry bodies

Beads of sweat trail down scrunched up faces

Past designer sunglasses

Finding rest on ears that do not listen

Signs bob up and down 

Across the waves of people

Buoys in an ocean of politics

Some find rest in shade

Others do not notice their own sweat

This is a war

Fought over who owns the most

And who can do the most legally

If you look into the distance

The far background

There are ants

Thousands of them

Scattered everywhere 

With no particular ant hill

They have no voices

Nor a representative

They own no signs

They have no interest in buoys

They are hungry

Who is there that leaves crumbs for an ant?

No one

They are cold

Who provides shelter for an ant?

Who gives an ant clothes?

An ant is an infestation

Bringing disease

Bad fortune

And condescending looks

With it

All of them

Are to be ignored

But they see things

They were there at the capital

They were there when

Ideas blossomed

People perished

In windstorms too great for

An ocean to resist

They saw people

Men 

Enter and leave offices

Carry important leather with important documents

Drive important cars

Eat important food

To nourish an important body

They look on hungrily

Drooling

Lust emanating from their eyes

Illuminating the entire scene

Filtering the world to look prettier

To care more

But the world does care

It is sitting on a hill

In an ocean

Lobbying for more

More

More

Of everything

While the ants are hungry

They cannot even lobby for themselves

For to do that

They must have a voice

To begin with

While rights are passed out to loud screamers

Free food samples

To please the potential customer

Silencing them for temporary peace

They were never hungry to begin with

The real hungry wander

Silent

Searching for an ant hill

With none to go to the Big Ant Hill

For them

Protesters leave pleased

Not happy

Content

"We will earn more tomorrow"

They say

"We deserve it"

They convince

Walking past

And stepping on

Ants

God is Good

Oh my, do I have a story for you.  It starts about four months ago, with two girls- one is me, the other we will go by naming SHE and HER at the appropriate times.  Here we go.  SHE was my best friend for many years, over a decade actually.  We grew up together and to make a long store short, we are not friends anymore; we just grew apart.  

Of course, as it always seems to go this way, it was made difficult by HER.  SHE enjoys to pop up into my life at random times and try doing things- honestly horrible things- to ruin my day.  And SHE smirks the whole time doing it.  It's terrible.  It feels like I have to watch out for HER, because I never know when SHE's about to do something crazy.  She is extremely manipulative and has been able to win people over to HER side before; SHE loves to steal friends from.  

Last summer, SHE borrowed clothes from me.  I asked for them back around fall/winter time of the school year, and SHE said SHE would return them and never did.  Today my boyfriend asked HER if SHE was ever going to give them back to me.  SHE told him that SHE donated them.

Who f$^#&()$ does that?

It's not the loss of clothing that bothers me, although it's annoying to my mom because she paid for it.  Of course that's bothersome.  However, to me the worst part is that SHE even bothered.  SHE did this to try and ruin my day, and I know that it's probably been made into a huge joke for her group of friends, some of whom I am friends with, too.  It's embarrassing.  I know that if I tell HER off about it, SHE will somehow find a way to twist it to make it sounds like it's actually my fault.  I can hear her saying things like, "Well, you definitely have the money to buy new ones,", or, "You never asked for them back, so they were mine and I chose what to do with them, so I donated them".  Both of which things are totally false, but SHE'd use them without a doubt, and in the heat of the moment I'd panic and believe her.  SHE is crazy and manipulative.

When my boyfriend first told me earlier today what SHE said, I wanted to punch HER in the face.  I held back because a) that would make everything worse for me, and b) God wouldn't approve.  So I held back and let my mom calmly call SHE parents because she wanted reimbursement.  A few hours later, I took my brother with me to the Salvation Army to see if we could find a $45 pair of my high school sweatpants that SHE had supposedly donated.  They were ruined by paint I got on them and the bottoms were cut, so I didn't think anyone would have bought them if SHE donated them to the same store (in retrospect, they were also an extremely stupid thing for HER to steal).  

We never found them.

However, we did find another pair of sweatpants from my high school even better than the old ones.  They're dark grey, have my school name written in white down the leg, and are super soft- way softer than the others.  They also fit better and were $2.  So, hey, SHE can have my old crappy ones and SHE can reimburse my mom for them, too. And I know I wrote this story in a way that didn't revolve around Him very much, but it's true- God is good.

Survivors

There are some things about being an artist that aren't necessarily fun and carefree, like artists are sometimes depicted as.  For one, it's not all about wearing stretchy headbands around your forehead and wearing interesting socks.  Being a hipster actually isn't artistry at all, and if you're the someone who associates the two, you're the kind of person that pissed me off today.

So basically, here's what happened.  I have class called "History of the Holocaust"; the course subject is self explanatory.  Today my teacher brought up the controversial topic of the generation of Jewish grandchildren whose grandparents are Holocaust survivors getting their respective camp numbers tattooed on themselves as a symbol of remembrance.  You probably just read that and were like, "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard".  And I don't necessarily blame you; my dad and my boyfriend said the same thing.  Please hear me out.

I was the only person in the room who said they had ever considered getting one.  Three of my four grandparents are Holocaust survivors.  Only one of them was a camp victim who got tattooed, my grandfather on my mother's side (his name is Benjamin Kawer, in case you're interested in researching his story).  I would not get the tattoo because I feel like it would be favoriting only one grandparent, even though that isn't really the case, he's just the only one with numbers.  But anyway, that's pretty much irrelevant.  You probably think I'm stupid for ever even thinking about getting those disgusting, dehumanizing, Nazi-given numbers tattooed on my body for the rest of my life.  The rest of my class did, and made darn sure that I was aware of it.  But let me explain.

The Nazis didn't look at the Jews as people.  They stared at them as an "inferior race", a people that should not reproduce or continue to exist for the sake of preserving "racial hygiene".  The numbers they tattooed took away a person's name, background, and human qualities and turned them into nothing more than a subject, at best.  So why would I want my grandfather's numbers?  Because to me, having them on myself is saying, "Look, these are the numbers you gave to my grandfather.  You see them?  And do you see me?  Do you see how they are on me?  Do you see how I exist despite your efforts to keep me from being born?  Do you see how my grandfather's bloodline lives?  Look at these numbers.  You failed.  You failed and I want these numbers to always remind you of it".  And I want them to remind others of what happened, too.  Already, the Holocaust is being taught as something that sounds like ancient history, and it's not.  It is actually so recent and so relevant beyond what I think any of us can see, and it has already slipped into the background of people's minds.  To me, that tattoo would mean not letting people forget.  And yes, it would make other people, and probably myself, uncomfortable.  And there would probably be days that I would regret it and days that people would openly tell me what I did was disgusting, but I considered it because I don't want anyone to forget what my family went through.  I owe it to the victims to make sure they don't become forgotten.

And to the girl who said in class that whoever gets the tattoo "clearly doesn't care that much, because if you need a tattoo to remind yourself of what happened because you keep on forgetting, it isn't that meaningful to begin with.  You shouldn't need a tattoo to tell people what happened".  Screw you.  I'm sorry that you don't understand what it's like to live everyday remembering the atrocities my loved ones had to endure for the sake of life, theirs and mine, and the burden I carry because of it.  And to the other kids, who said, "People won't understand", "It will look like you're doing it for the Nazis", and, "It might start a bad trend".   You don't understand and you might never.  Maybe I'm a psychopath, but at least I'm one who acts out of love.  I'm genuinely sorry that you can't see any substance that is beyond skin-deep.